Dear People of the Internet,
I’m afraid we need to have a talk.
I know you really like pictures to go with your words, so you might understand it better this way:
I think you know what I’m going to say. You’ve known it since the beginning, but for some reason, we’ve been letting you get away with it. It’s our fault, really. We should have given you better boundaries. I’m sorry, people of the Internet. But I’m telling you now. Here it goes:
Those “that moment when” word blobs you’re so fond of writing? You know what I’m talking about. Here’s a short list of some real examples I just found on Google:
“That moment when the ugliest guy you know gets a girlfriend and you’re still single.”
“That moment when you find out you have no homework.”
“That moment when you hear a familiar beat and then you finally recognize what song it is.”
That moment when … wait, what? What are you saying about that moment? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY AT ALL?! What is this, Internet, Rear Window: Part II? BECAUSE YOU ARE KILLING ME WITH SUSPENSE.
(That moment when the blog lady references a movie you’ve never heard of.)
I don’t want to be harsh, but … honey. Sweetie. Internet. I don’t know how to tell you this, but those … those aren’t sentences. Not even a little bit. I know you don’t care much about grammar (believe me, I’ve seen your YouTube comments, and we need to have a long, long talk about the comment, “shut uppp your muslim lolololol,” starting with what a contraction is, and ending with me asking you what that had to do with David going to the dentist), so forget about the fact that you’re not using sentences by any stretch of the imagination.
You’re just not saying anything. You are not expressing an actual thought, and I’m afraid that you think you are. I’m afraid you think you’re making some profound comment on the shared awkward and painful experiences of adolescence, but bro? YOU FORGOT TO.
Here’s what I think you’re trying to do. I think you’re trying to say things like:
“That moment when you lock your keys in the car is a major bummer.”
“That moment when you look directly at a solar eclipse is the moment when you realize that your eyes hurt.”
Do you realize how much you tease us when you leave out the ends of those sentences? Do you realize that without saying something about “that moment when,” you leave your life up to endless interpretation?
And do you really want to perpetually live out the ending to Lost in Translation? Do any of us really want to live in a world where Bill Murray is primarily a serious actor? Do you know that in that world Steve Martin visits you once a day and lectures you about art and explains that Two Wild and Crazy Guys are really a darkly ironic depiction on the hedonism of modern life?
Look, I get it, Internet. You’re busy. There’s a lot going on right now. In fact, as we speak, the following is happening:
- Buzz Feed just published 16,000 new articles about 9 MORE reasons why the 90s was the best decade ever (spoiler alert: Clarissa Explains It All, Big League Chew, Justin Timberlake looking different than he does now, Legends of the Hidden Temple, slap bracelets,Warheads, Lite-Brite, Fruitopia, and CLOTHES THAT LOOK FUNNY!)
- There’s a new tearjerker video on YouTube that features soldiers coming home to their reptiles (spoiler alert: oddly anticlimactic)
- Someone just created a Ryan Gosling “hey girl” meme for YOUR SPECIFIC LIFE SITUATION. That’s right, AS WE SPEAK, Ryan Gosling is wearing a tank-top, holding a puppy, looking you right in your deserving-of-love eyes and saying, “Hey girl. I know that you graduated with a B.S. in Marketing at a time when the economy was going through some stuff, and even though long term, you really see yourself opening your own business, you’re currently temping in an office complex three days a week and then helping your parents (who live next door) with some remodeling they’re doing on the other kitchen the other two days a week, even though they’re not paying you, when you’re honestly putting a lot of time into it and have even made quite a few runs to Home Depot and you’re spending your own money on this, and you don’t need them to pay you, but it just would be nice if it was offered.”
- Oh, wait, Buzz Feed just published 4,000 more 90s articles.
So you’re busy. I know. But I’m asking you to just try your best, Internet, to say something. If the Internet was about nothing, then it would be a Seinfeld episode.
Actually, now that I think about it, this all might be a Seinfeld episode.