Tag Archives: Internet

That Moment When … You’ve Forgotten What Constitutes a Complete Sentence

19 Mar

Dear People of the Internet,

I’m afraid we need to have a talk.

I know you really like pictures to go with your words, so you might understand it better this way:


I think you know what I’m going to say.  You’ve known it since the beginning, but for some reason, we’ve been letting you get away with it.  It’s our fault, really.  We should have given you better boundaries.  I’m sorry, people of the Internet.  But I’m telling you now.  Here it goes:

Those “that moment when” word blobs you’re so fond of writing?  You know what I’m talking about.  Here’s a short list of some real examples I just found on Google:

“That moment when the ugliest guy you know gets a girlfriend and you’re still single.”

“That moment when you find out you have no homework.”

“That moment when you hear a familiar beat and then you finally recognize what song it is.”

That moment when … wait, what?  What are you saying about that moment?  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY AT ALL?!  What is this, Internet, Rear Window: Part II?  BECAUSE YOU ARE KILLING ME WITH SUSPENSE.

(That moment when the blog lady references a movie you’ve never heard of.)

I don’t want to be harsh, but … honey.  Sweetie.  Internet.  I don’t know how to tell you this, but those … those aren’t sentences.  Not even a little bit.  I know you don’t care much about grammar (believe me, I’ve seen your YouTube comments, and we need to have a long, long talk about the comment, “shut uppp your muslim lolololol,” starting with what a contraction is, and ending with me asking you what that had to do with David going to the dentist), so forget about the fact that you’re not using sentences by any stretch of the imagination.

You’re just not saying anything.  You are not expressing an actual thought, and I’m afraid that you think you are.  I’m afraid you think you’re making some profound comment on the shared awkward and painful experiences of adolescence, but bro?  YOU FORGOT TO.

Screen shot 2013-03-19 at 8.05.05 PM

Here’s what I think you’re trying to do.  I think you’re trying to say things like:

“That moment when you lock your keys in the car is a major bummer.”

“That moment when you look directly at a solar eclipse is the moment when you realize that your eyes hurt.”

Do you realize how much you tease us when you leave out the ends of those sentences?  Do you realize that without saying something about “that moment when,” you leave your life up to endless interpretation?

And do you really want to perpetually live out the ending to Lost in Translation?  Do any of us really want to live in a world where Bill Murray is primarily a serious actor?  Do you know that in that world Steve Martin visits you once a day and lectures you about art and explains that Two Wild and Crazy Guys are really a darkly ironic depiction on the hedonism of modern life?

Look, I get it, Internet.  You’re busy.  There’s a lot going on right now.  In fact, as we speak, the following is happening:

  • Buzz Feed just published 16,000 new articles about 9 MORE reasons why the 90s was the best decade ever (spoiler alert: Clarissa Explains It All, Big League Chew, Justin Timberlake looking different than he does now, Legends of the Hidden Temple, slap bracelets,Warheads, Lite-Brite, Fruitopia, and CLOTHES THAT LOOK FUNNY!)
  • There’s a new tearjerker video on YouTube that features soldiers coming home to their reptiles (spoiler alert: oddly anticlimactic)
  • Someone just created a Ryan Gosling “hey girl” meme for YOUR SPECIFIC LIFE SITUATION.  That’s right, AS WE SPEAK, Ryan Gosling is wearing a tank-top, holding a puppy, looking you right in your deserving-of-love eyes and saying, “Hey girl.  I know that you graduated with a B.S. in Marketing at a time when the economy was going through some stuff, and even though long term, you really see yourself opening your own business, you’re currently temping in an office complex three days a week and then helping your parents (who live next door) with some remodeling they’re doing on the other kitchen the other two days a week, even though they’re not paying you, when you’re honestly putting a lot of time into it and have even made quite a few runs to Home Depot and you’re spending your own money on this, and you don’t need them to pay you, but it just would be nice if it was offered.”
  • Oh, wait, Buzz Feed just published 4,000 more 90s articles.

So you’re busy.  I know.  But I’m asking you to just try your best, Internet, to say something.  If the Internet was about nothing, then it would be a Seinfeld episode.

Actually, now that I think about it, this all might be a Seinfeld episode.


r u my m0ther?

12 May

I got my mom an e-card for Mother’s Day.

Before the accusations fly, let me assure you that I am not heartless, cheap, or stuck in the late 1990’s.  It’s just that I feel that there are certain things that e-cards can express that I am incapable of fully expressing on my own: beautiful, classic Mother’s Day messages like “You either have JavaScript turned off or an old version of Macromedia’s Flash Player.  Please install the latest version of Flash Player” or “Cannot open page because cookies are not enabled.  Please enable cookies in your browser if you have this option disabled and reload the page.”

Reading e-cards like that makes me a little emotional, because it brings me back to my childhood, when my mom would sing me binary lullabies: “11 0  110 00 10 10 11” was my favorite (until KidzBop got ahold of it — they sure have a knack for ruining songs!).

Browsing through e-cards certainly reminded me of one thing, though: the Internet is a really terrible thing.  This is a topic that can, and will, span many posts, but it’s important to note.  The Internet is a terrible thing.

Now, I get that it’s ironic that I’m using the Internet to write a post about how terrible the Internet is.  It’s like using macaroni noodles to spell out, “I hate macaroni noodles.”  That is a thing that people also do, and I think it is silly.

There are a million things to say about the effect the Internet has had on grammar, and I’m only going to scratch the surface here.  What I’m about to say may seem basic–almost insultingly simple–but SUM OF U NEED THE REM1ND3R.

1. You must continue to spell words completely out.  “2” does not say “two,” “to,” or “too.”  “U” does not say “you.”  To me, it says, “U are going to live at home until you’re 40.”

2. The letter “I” and the letter “Y” are NOT interchangeable.  If you don’t lyke this, that’s too bad.

3. Adding additional vowels to a word does not actually give it more emphasis.  It juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust makes it so it isn’t a word.

4. AHTTAPBTJDHTBAAFE (Acronyms have their time and place, but there just doesn’t have to be an acronym for everything).

5. An “O” is just as easy to type as a “U.”  Sumthing tells me you people think that the “U” is saving you a lot of time.

Now, perhaps you don’t work tutor or work in the schools, like I do.  Because of this, you may be living happily and comfortably in your false assumption that no one would do those things in an actual academic paper, or important email, or resume.

Then to you, there’s nothing I can do but to quote my favorite line from the card I ended up choosing to send my mother:

“HTTP 404 Error: The URL you requested was not found.”

And Mom?  I really mean it.

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